Why solving other people’s problems backfires
Do people come to you with a problem and, before you know it, the problem is sitting on your shoulders? There is usually a positive intention behind it. You care about the person, you want to help, or you are good at getting things done.
The consequences are less helpful. You carry more pressure and stress, you have more to do and you have less time for yourself. You also disempower the other person. You help them this time, and the next time they have a problem they come straight back to you. That sets up a dependent relationship, which is not sustainable.
Three leadership communication tools to use instead
- Be there and listen fully. Connect with the person and hear them completely: what they say, and what they are not saying behind the words.
- Reflect back what you hear. Paraphrase their own words back to them. This helps them understand their own problem and add more detail to it. With more detail, they can think of more solutions.
- Ask open-ended questions. For example:
- How long has this been going on?
- What have you tried so far?
- What are all the possibilities you can think of?
- What would you normally not do in this situation?
- What would you do if I was not here?
The result
You are not taking ownership of the problem. You are encouraging the other person to think deeper and find their own solutions. They grow, they stretch, and they hold responsibility for their own problem. It is a win-win and it is sustainable. These tools work with team members, family, friends and children.
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Read the video transcript
Hi everyone. Do you sometimes fall into the trap of solving other people’s problems? Do you have a pattern in your life where people come to you with a problem, and before you know it you’ve taken that problem and put it on your shoulders? If this is true for you, I’m guessing you have a positive intention behind it. You probably care for the person and you want to help them out. Maybe you’re really good at getting things done and achieving results. Whatever that positive intention is, there are consequences. There’s more pressure and stress in your life, there’s more for you to do, there’s less time for yourself, and you’re actually disempowering the other person. You might help them this time, but the next time they have a problem they’re coming to you for help again. It’s setting up a dependent relationship, which is not sustainable. The answer to these problems is some key leadership communication tools. The first one: when someone comes to you with a problem, be there for them, connect with them and hear them completely. Hear what they actually say, and hear what they’re not saying behind the words. Once you authentically hear them, you can reflect this back. You can paraphrase their own words back to them. This simple and powerful tool helps them understand their own problem. It helps them add more detail to it, and when they add more detail they can think of more solutions. So be there for the person, reflect back what you’re hearing, and then move on to asking open-ended questions. Questions like: how long has this been going on? What have you tried so far? What are all the possibilities you can think of? What are some things you normally wouldn’t do in this situation? And an extra powerful one, especially if you’ve been in this situation before with the person: what would you do if I was not here? With all these questions you’re not taking ownership of the problem. You’re empowering the other person, encouraging them to think deeper and find their own solutions. With that they are growing, stretching and developing, and they are holding responsibility for their problem. So it’s win-win and it’s sustainable. This is great with family, friends, children, team members, anyone where you have this dynamic of taking on the problem. I encourage you to put these tools into action and let me know how they go.
