When it comes to conflict resolution, a pinch of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Kelly Samson shares some communication tools that will help you navigate conflict effectively.

If we are all speaking the same language, communication should be easy—right? Yet how often have you found yourself in a discussion feeling flustered, confused or just plain angry? You start off with good intentions, but things escalate and you end up in a conflict. You thought you had the right communication tools, but sometimes they don’t fit the job.

Just like a good DIY toolbox, your communication toolbox needs a range of tools to deal with the situations that lead to conflict—and conflict itself.

My grandmother regularly said “a pinch of prevention is worth a pound of cure”. When it comes to conflict there is no better advice. So much emphasis is given to resolving conflict, yet the greatest returns are to be gained from avoiding conflict in the first place. Conflict resolution starts before there is a conflict situation by understanding the Problem Ownership model.

The Problem Ownership Model

Identifying who ‘owns the problem’ is a vital first step in avoiding conflict and returning to harmony (see diagram). The other person has a problem. When someone else ‘owns a problem’ you are not responsible for solving it. Whether your solution works or not, as a rescuer you are setting yourself up for more problems later on. If your solution is wrong, you get blamed. But if your solution is right, you are disempowering the other person to grow and enabling a dependent relationship.

When the other person has a problem, the key skills you can use are:

• Authentic connection: By giving the person your full attention to authentically hear them, you will help the situation. Use open body language and encourage them to speak. You can probably remember a time when you felt frustrated when someone did not listen to you. It’s not enough for people to feel listened to, they need to see that you are listening too.
• Reflective listening: Listening to the person’s response and restating it in your own words to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings is extremely powerful. This simple skill helps each of you to know whether you’ve been understood. It also signals your intention to understand and accept what they said. When done well, reflective listening helps to clarify thinking and generate solutions.
• Open questions: Open questions empower the person to discover the solution that works best for them. They usually begin with ‘what’, ‘how’, ’tell me more about this’, for example:
  What was that like for you?’
  ‘What part of this is the problem?’
  ‘What happened before that?’
  ‘What do you want to achieve?’

Authentic reflective listening is a precious jewel. In a society full of frustrations, stress and anxiety, it is rare to find someone who will authentically listen. With this skill, you can be the person who empowers someone to find their own solution.

I own a problem. The part most of us can relate to in the Problem Ownership model is ‘I own a problem’. How often have you had a situation where you are unhappy, but you can’t clearly communicate why? This is often the short path to conflict but, once again, you can avoid conflict by using the right tools.

Research shows that the very first sentence of a discussion will determine if a conversation is a success. Discussions that start with blame, accusations or sarcasm will almost always end in failure.

The path to a successful outcome is to craft your problem/ issue/gripe in an ‘I message’ format. When you have a problem, creating an authentic ‘I message’ is the most effective way of being clear about what you want to say, conveying your genuine feelings and being heard.

An effective ‘I message’ has three parts:

1. When ‘x’ happens …
2. The effect on me is ‘y’ …
3. And I feel ‘z’.

For example, you might say: “When you don’t turn up for an appointment we’ve made, I end up not being able to use the time I’ve put aside, and I feel resentful.” Or: “When you come home late and slam the door, it wakes me up and I feel tired and irritated the next day.”

Dealing With Conflict

Unfortunately despite harnessing these effective communication skills there will be times when a conflict emerges. In reality, conflicts are inevitable even in the strongest relationships.

Dr John Gottman has been at the forefront of a revolution in couples work. He has shown that the number of arguments between a couple does not determine a couple’s happiness and likelihood of separation. Far from being the fiery pit of conflict that is avoided at all costs, happy couples perceive arguments as useful and manageable expressions of differences to enable more happiness.

In conflict, the typical result is a situation where one person wins and the other loses, or a compromise. The obvious problem with a compromise is that both parties have forgone something they want.

The biggest problem with win-lose outcomes is that the fight is not over when you finish talking. If you win you need to use power to keep your solution, and with any use of power the loser feels resentful and powerless while the winner feels both powerful and guilty. Neither are foundations for trusting, long lasting relationships.

Sayings such as: “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” are based on the attitude of win-win. Compromises are the result of talking at the level of solutions. Win-win conflict resolution results from talking at the level of needs.

Needs Or Values?

It adds clarity if you can identify if the situation is a conflict of needs or a conflict of values. Needs conflicts are refreshingly easy to resolve:

1. Set the stage by explaining your intention to work together with the other person and find a win-win solution. Dr Dudley Weeks has worked with conflicting parties in over 60 countries, including Rwanda and Bosnia. He emphasises the importance of viewing conflict as one part of a relationship; a part that sheds light on the rest of the relationship. Your initial opening comments have a lot to do with setting the foundation upon which conflict resolution occurs. Dr Weeks suggests:

   • Establishing partnership—I believe we are in this together, and need each other to work it out
   • Referring to the whole relationship—This is only one aspect of our relationship.
   • Affirming possibilities—I’m sure together we can generate many options for solving this.
   • Accepting disagreement—Disagreeing doesn’t mean we can’t remember things we agree on.
   • Acknowledging specific difficulties—I know in the past we‘ve had trouble due to our tendency to … This time let’s experiment by …
   • Future orientation—What will my thoughts about this conflict be, one year from now?

2. Define the conflict in terms of basic needs and goals. Use an ‘I message’ to describe your basic need and then use reflective listening to help the other person clarify their basic needs.
3. Brainstorm possible solutions to meet both sets of needs.
4. Check for each possible solution, how well does it meet both sets of needs?
5. Choose the best solution.
6. Act.
7. Evaluate how well the solution is meeting both sets of needs.

Conflict can best be resolved by bearing in mind the resources of the entire relationship. There will be times when at least one person will not be prepared to negotiate a win/ win solution. This may be because they do not believe it is the other person’s business to discuss the issue, which can indicate a conflict of values.

Situations that involve a conflict of values are more difficult (but not impossible) to resolve.

In some cases, you may decide to change your relationship to allow for your different values. For a non-smoker and a smoker, this might mean agreeing on a separate area for smoking. For people with strongly opposed political or religious beliefs, this may mean agreeing not to discuss certain topics.

In other cases, you may discover that it is possible to continue your personal or professional relationship exactly as it is by simply adopting a different attitude to your difference. By being more accepting, you find you can enjoy more harmony in your life.

A pinch of prevention is worth a pound of cure brings a wonderful perspective to conflict resolution. Clearly understanding who owns a problem will allow you to use the right communication tool for the situation. Using the right tool at the right time will allow you to deftly side-step conflict to move in harmony with more people in more situations.

And when a conflict does arrive, as it inevitably will, having the right tools in your communication toolbox will help you to navigate the choppy water to reach the calm water of stronger, more resilient relationships.